


the skin you're in (burn it, burn it)

by icanhinatashouyoutheworld



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Bulimia, Eating Disorder, Low Self Esteem, M/M, hurt comfort, not v happy stuff guys!!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-25 05:41:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9804893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icanhinatashouyoutheworld/pseuds/icanhinatashouyoutheworld
Summary: If beauty’s at the bottom of a toilet bowl, Yuuri’s going to fucking find it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> *waves hands*  
> this work is based completely on my own eating disorder, which I had for three years. it was probably the worst time of my life and I basically almost killed myself 
> 
> i've never related to a character like I have to yuuri and I thought maybe that this would be a good way to get everything out  
> enjoy

 

Yururi’s chubby.

It’s a fact. Minako-sensei’s a drunk, Yuuko’s kind and Yuuri’s chubby. His thighs jiggle and his stomach wobbles. He’s noticeably bigger than his rink mates. Yuuri's past the point of 'chubby for a twelve year old'. His mama says it’s cute, heaps more katsudon into his bowl, a second serving, a third. Yuuri eats when he’s nervous, when he’s sad, when he’s bored. He’s chubby. He’s always known this, but it doesn’t stop the sting of the confused gazes he gets while on the ice, the sneers of older skaters, the laughter of the younger ones. Yuuko defends him fiercely. “They’re jealous, Yuuri!” she spits, a goddess incarnate, searing Nishigori with a furious gaze. Jealous of what? Yuuri wants to say, but places a gentle, hesitant palm on her shoulder. He knows that bigger children can’t compete against the lithe, limber ones on ice. So he tries, he tries, he tries so hard to get it off, to hold onto the flash of silver hair that haunts his dreams, that _is_  his dreams. But it’s hard, in a little place like Hasetsu, where they know everyone, where his father’s friends press sweets into his hand with a wink and his mother’s force-feed him udon. It’s hard, and it hurts.

Yuuri is, for once in his life, very late to his skating lesson. He mixed up his skating bag and his ballet bag, and had to tear back home to get his wonderful blue ice-skates that Mari got him for his birthday ("Like Victor's eyes," she said with a wink, and laughed when he screeched). He races back, hurrying to the changing rooms. He hears voices- one clear, bell-like one that he recognises very clearly. Why is Yuuko in the boys’ changing room?

“Yeah but-“ That’s Nishigori, sounding well and truly scolded.

“But nothing! Stop bullying him!” Yuuko shouts. Yuuri winces in slight sympathy for Nishigori. Yuuko could be well and truly terrifying when she wanted to be.

“He’s a fatty! He isn’t going to get to compete with his precious Victor!”

“I know but-“

Those words split Yuuri’s world into fragments around him, like the crushed strawberry sweet in his pocket. _I know_. 

He drops the sweet in the bin on the way out. 

Those words chase him home, fever-hot, searing his brain. He chokes on sobs, because he knows, he knows, but Yuuko was always so heartbreakingly lovely about it that he thought maybe, in her eyes, he wasn’t. He wasn’t just a fat kid who’s weight was holding back his skating. He was a friend, someone talented, even. He was wrong though, like always.

Katsuki Hiroko is surprised when her son pushes away a second bowl of katsudon at dinner. “I need to go do homework,” he says before hurrying away. She blinks at him, serving spoon frozen over his bowl. Mari shrugs. “More for me!”

Yuuri sits down to do his homework, something itching at the back of his head. If he just- if he just knew how much to eat, he could lose weight, right? He types ‘calories in katsudon’ into his clunky desktop.

678 calories. The number hits him like a smack to the face. 678. That was way too many, right? How many had he had today? Yuuri frantically tried to remember. Cereal, udon, a chocolate bar, onigiri, candy, crisps- his palms sweat, his hands shake as he realises just how much he eats.

He searches and searches, adds up the numbers slowly.

3,587. If 678 hit him like a slap to the face, this sends him reeling. 8, 9, 10, down and out. Yuuri can feel the fat crawling like ants under his skin. He hates it, he hates it. 

Yuuri rushes to the bathroom, thrusts his fingers down his throat before he can think about it. He gags and yanks them out immediately, taking deep, shuddering breaths. _It’s okay_ , he says to himself, _it’s okay_. _Just get this out. Get this out, and you’ll feel a bit better._

He tries again, wriggling his fingers, playing with the flap of flesh at the back of his mouth. Retching hard, he takes his fingers out once more. So close! he thinks tearing up, drool running down his chin. _You have to do this, you have to_. He jams his fingers down his throat once more. 

It all comes rushing out of him in one soupy wave, splashing into the toilet. He stares at it, a brown mess, bits of carrot and pea floating around. It looks fucking disgusting. Yuuri can taste it, salty, under his tongue.

678.

3,587.

He keeps going until he can feel acid clambering up his throat, flushes, collapses on his knees.

Yuuri lies on the cold tiles.

If beauty’s at the bottom of a toilet bowl, Yuuri’s going to fucking find it.

**Author's Note:**

> the same thing happened to me with my best friend  
> words hurt, kiddos


End file.
